I was reading back over the last year of my journal/blog and it has struck me how my 'world' is reducing alongside my diminishing health and quality of life.
A recent physiotherapy appointment crystalised my physical difficulties;as it is now apparent I do not have long to live 'independently' as I struggle to make my way from bed to anywhere other than my chair / bathroom. This has brought back into focus the big question I have,that of 'what is the least quality of life I prepared to accept' .
The dignitas option begins to look more like a real alternative to explore further. I find it disturbing to imagine myself just 'existing' on a downward spiral of physical and cognitive function. Inappropriate and contradictory of my nature / 'way of being'.
I'm trying to find new focus and goals and have enrolled on some new distance learning courses. But already am getting a sense of 'what's the point?' It is hard enough to even get up /dressed and live each day without any further challenge. I'll give it a go this week and see how it feels.
Life around me continues and I am proud of all my direct family as my kids have all now left school and seem to be on track with their own respective future plans/goals. It is heart warming to see them all following their chosen path's ;all very different but befitting of their interests & character. Tinged with sadness for me as I won't be around long enough to see the growth etc.
There is a sense in me of beginning to bring closure to financial affairs and some friendships where it is too hard for me to engage as I once could. I want to keep these relationships as special memories rather than disfigure them with my altered state of being. I am processing 'endings' it seems on a daily basis - sad and necessary at the same time.
I am going to spend the next week or so focused very much on how I can live better in this reduced state and will write again soon....
