Week 78: Here and now.

I wrote this a while ago and I have been reflecting on meaninglessness v purpose recently ,so I thought it would be valuable to include in tracking my journey...
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Purpose....
I've been thinking about this alot and I was reminded of this today.
When at the lowest point and one feels 'what is the point?' or 'why bother?' if you slow down and really feel.... there can be found a deep yearning, just near the pit of the stomach close to deep sorrow (that I have only experienced once ,at my mum's funeral).
  This yearning, for me, is a purpose; the very thing that keeps pushing me forward,when there is little reason to.....some people call this faith.... for me it is a purpose, when this is lost ,I wonder what follows......
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Over the last few months I have been working through a difficult time;the short,dark,cold days along with my physical deterioration have been a real challenge. Any walking is now really hard with my crutches,and after several bouts of illness over Christmas and New Year I was seriously at the point of giving up. However, I decided to live day by day (even hour by hour some days) and accept the difficulties - although I do not like my enforced minimal existence -it is all I have for now.
 

Some recent change has helped me shift some of this depressive period.
A new self motivated exercise regime designed to give as much strength and movement to my legs as possible, at last finding a physiotherapist to massage my legs now inplace and a person centred therapist also now available weekly to help me process some end of life decisions/thoughts and offer much lacking psychological support......all this combined is helping me to manage better. It seems my self care is becoming a full time project.

I am going to be looking more closely into diet and nutrition over the next few weeks so I welcome any dietry tips/super foods that work for you that I could adopt into my smallish basic diet.
 

I intend to start painting some stuff very soon now that I feel a little more centred and may share the results on here in the future.

In the last week I felt well enough to spend some time with friends I had missed and been out of natural contact with for several months. It was good to spend time once more.

Overall I welcome the lighter days and yearn to be outdoors again in the fresh air ...looking forward massively to the spring/summer months ☺