Week +10 : Stability and refocusing

Transfiguration

 

A busy week ends & I have found myself able to re-connect with 'normality' much better as the immediacy of my illness and the prescribed death seems a much more 'soft subject' as I am finding great peace and acceptance with my unfortunate situation.

I am filled with an energy and zest to carry on doing as much as I can while I can, to do good and have a positive place in this world. This 'energy' is driving me forward in a number of areas & I hope to return to paid work shortly (physicality permitted).

This week saw a return to the gym after a couple of weeks away as I was finding it difficult - however, I  have adapted my approach and this seems to be better - gentler and now not wearing out my limited walking capability so much. 

A catch up with a very kind and precious gentleman on Tuesday was a wonderful re-connection with a previous relationship for me; but someone who brings great comfort and kindness for me. A brave soul who has reached out and offered a hand of support at this challenging time - so powerful and valued ... 

At the end of the week I have had the privilege of attending a retreat at Ampleforth Abbey, entitled 'Living well, dying well' and whilst some pain was found in reflecting about my own situation, there were some truly inspiring and comforting moments to be found. The retreat is advertised as : 

'This retreat will focus on aspects of death, not so much for those who grieve, but for those of us who wish to follow an invitation to always have death before our eyes. This is not a morbid thought but a reminder that how we live each day will reflect how we will face our final day when it comes. It is a retreat about hope and the celebration of life (edited)

 

I had my cousin as a companion there, which was a new experience, as I have always attended alone previously. It was great to have a psychologically connected companion and we spent good times playing board games, eating locally, sampling goods produced at Ampleforth, reading and sharing thoughts/ideas. No TV/ Wi Fi but more valuable conversation, human connection and laughs along the way :)

Walking was very difficult for me in this hilly location,  directing me to think more about using acceptable aids to assist my mobility - not 'giving in' , but accepting that struggling is not much longer the best strategy when simple help hangs in the hallway in the shape of a kindly presented 'modern' walking stick. I am hopeful a meeting with the community physiotherapist next week will help me maximise my wasting legs.

I use the term transfiguration in my blog this week not in its biblical context, but as a symbol of a 'marked change in form or appearance'. I feel the experience I am having in dying is organismic, releasing and  refocusing my energy/priority enabling me to place my energy into a more engaged way of being, more interested than ever in the human potential and fascination with what makes us what we are.... guiding me into more helping relationships and evermore emotionally available for others.

Faith plays a key part in my current process; not worrying about what lies ahead , but that I will have the strength of body and mind to cope ,with the support of close friends/family/professionals and my community. Faith that when the time comes I will know what to do & be guided accordingly instinctively and spiritually.

Some keynotes from this weeks retreat are detailed below:
Non religious observers may wish to look away now! however there were some deeply resonating spiritual messages within the religious context for me - observed as common and not unusual to the individual but part of the human condition ;

• Courage is not absent of fear, that is denial.
• Fear is a natural human emotion
• When the moment of suffering comes, a surrender is require, a leap of faith....
• There is nothing like suffering to make one feel lonely and isolated
• People are desperate to find a way out of their situation
• Better to live in and appreciate today rather than worry about the past or future
• How do we reach out to others for support when we need it, some challenges cannot be faced alone
• Helping others also helps us to receive support
• Where you are; do what you can
• Do we have the eyes to seethe divine in others, nature and the world around us or just 'passengers'
• Look anywhere but find true love and peace within
• Live life to the full, have faith and death holds no fear for us.
• Love is stronger than death
• How can I live it? ..........  one day, one moment at a time

One final thought from the retreat that really stuck with me; ' letting go of the things you can no longer do and embracing with all that energy permits what you can now do'.....

I hope you enjoy living your week......I fully intend to :)