Weeks:42-43 The black dog returns.

Testing time:

So, ......I moved into respite accommodation for two weeks to allow the building project to be completed at home as promised by the building contractor; only to be told at the last minute that they would not be finished and would require a further two weeks. So I have returned to a completely inappropriate environment and at the same time attempting to formulate/write my last written piece of work for my degree. To say i am angry,upset and frustrated would be an understatement.
   Along with the difficult process of managing my physical/mental health as part of my terminal position; the net result is a hopeless & powerless state of depression I have not felt for many years, debilitated and dis-empowered beyond recognition. No longer are there any reserves to 'dig deep' into, I have purely come to an end mentally. Funny how this 'giant spanner in the works' has disturbed me to the core......

  I had designed a physical / mental program of experiment in neuro-plasticity for the month of July - all of the above screws up this program, of which I had high hopes of impacting and redirecting my illness in positive ways.
   Cycling 20 k per day, swimming, mentally challenging activity too; to attempt to re-train my eroding neurological functionality. Now postponed due to poor implementatìon and delivery of a simple build project. I am soooooo angry....
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news apparently there was a referendum and other significant political unrest - I believe a lot to do with the disconnect between politicians & the real issues. Victims of their self fulfilling propaganda.I am hopeful that things settle & we can begin to build a better Britain, whichever side of the fence we occupy.

I'll add more to this blog later-but having another sleepless night I thought I would make a start/put it out there....

  Another difficulty is putting together an end of life care plan and advance directives; clearly this is psychologically challenging for me - I live in the positive and opportunistic place; a task like this brings great difficulty and a deep reality check. Not an easy or pleasurable experience, to have to plan and think about not being 'here' anymore. Although, I feel that I will make arrangements for a more dignified ending, these necessary policies and procedures have to be adopted ..... or do they? ..... lets see. I have a final sign off of these plans in the coming weeks, so hopefully once July is done-

 I will be living in a new space and ready to enter the next chapter - one of self care and retired activity. 

  Good will and kind thoughts to you all......