As this last week ended I certainly felt a sense of meaninglessness - not of having no purpose or hope, but of wonder; as to why I felt driven to 'keep on going' when the prognosis of this illness is so damning. I even felt robust enough to commit to some plans extending over the next few months, unusual , as I have been living very much day to day or week to week but not much further, giving me a future.....I had previously invoked a strategy of 'making it as far as 2016' but had no hopeful plan thereafter.....
Hope is a behaviour/attitude not relevant to my situation.
What does one hold onto when there is no hope?
Faith is my ally, spiritual not religious, faith in others to help me, faith in myself and my ability to accept this 'storm' and all that it brings, faith that everything will be ok and it will be what it is , no more no less. So I guess my faith is borne of acceptance.
Why I struggle to walk in or interact with the world when it would be much easier to hibernate or withdraw? I think it is because I have an innate drive to make the most of my time on this jewel of a planet.
I do kind of waver between feeling ultra focused and an exhausted blob . At this time I am trying to find balance between rest , social engagement and useful activity - needless to say I've not quite got it right yet & due to the nature of this debilitating disease - it is kind of hard to judge ; even on a day to day basis.
I've been reflecting a great deal about this & delayed approaching this weeks blog due to this factor.
Looking at his latest work , particularly Blackstar - the power of the imagery and bravery in his work is outstanding, in my view.
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