Week +25 : Appropriate steps....

As promised some photo's from last weeks trip to the Peak District....

 A week of quiet acceptance unfolded as the week developed , my physical capability starting to become a limiter in my life as my ability to walk and navigate my way around becomes increasingly challenging. I found a myself getting frustrated with this and am struggling to find an acceptable way of adjusting without compromising my independence and purposeful existence. I have alsohad to look at ways of reducing my 'out put' once again and look at re-balancing things, taking into account these physical limitations. Sadly, this means giving up on some of the voluntary stuff I've been doing and finding rewarding, fulfilling - but my priority is good self care and being at my best when I most need to be.

  Equally one of the symptoms I have been experiencing and monitoring for a couple of weeks is one of a strange dizzy feeling - this seems to be affecting my balance and leaves me feeling nauseous and off balance literally and metaphorically - I am asking for help with this to see if there is any medication to help. Unusual for me, as I like to remain 'clean' of any meds as I like to feel/sense my situation without the clouding or masking through medication. On this occasion though, I feel I need to do something as I am convinced it's related to brain deterioration - this might be the next phase of difficulty for me and may require further adaptation/adjustment.  

 A focused appointment on Tuesday with a 'new' professional (Social worker) as part of my support team seemed helpful and will help me secure funds to employ care directly- so initially this will be someone to accompany on days out and help with day to day admin/general tasks - I guess this will evolve into more focused support/care as time goes by - I feel employing someone at this stage will help me get out to do the things I want to do as/when I want to without 'leaning on' or relying on friends/family. The social worker should also help me co-ordinate all the other involved professionals, which incidentally, is a job in itself !!! 

  Hydro therapy again this week proved great as did a visit to the chiropractor and the culmination of this self-care focused day was a massage - all of these helping me feel suitably relaxed and focused on my needs. 

  I am mindful I have a meeting in a couple of weeks to 'sketch out' my end of life plan & must speak to some close family members about this - I intend to make this a point of focus in the next week - alongside the myriad of other activity and distraction - this is one thing I must do and is not in the arena of a delegated task ...... sadly :-/  

  Friday involved final study module with a short period of time to create a focused personal account of my reaction to the topic.... I will see if the creative part of my brain has something to offer :)

  Tattoo now healed - so able to get back to the gym, sauna, steam room, Jacuzzi routine :) I'd missed this & I certainly felt the benefit...


Saturday evening brought an opportunity to watch the movie Cast away (Tom Hanks/Wilson) ......

  As one of my favourite movies, I could not help but be struck by the metaphors for meaninglessness, hope, human spirit, determination and love for a fellow soul mate that endures through even the most challenging of circumstances- Chuck's monologue below always 'gets me' full of emotion, acceptance and depth ... 

   " We both had done the math. Kelly added it all up and... knew she had to let me go. I added it up, and knew that I had... lost her. 'cos I was never gonna get off that island. I was gonna die there, totally alone. I was gonna get sick, or get injured or something. The only choice I had, the only thing I could control was when, and how, and where it was going to happen. So... I made a rope and I went up to the summit, to hang myself. I had to test it, you know?
   Of course. You know me. And the weight of the log, snapped the limb of the tree, so I-I - , I couldn't even kill myself the way I wanted to. I had power over nothing. And that's when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket. I knew, somehow, that I had to stay alive. Somehow. I had to keep breathing. Even though there was no reason to hope. And all my logic said that I would never see this place again.
So that's what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing. And one day my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail. And now, here I am. I'm back. In Memphis, talking to you. I have ice in my glass... And I've lost her all over again. I'm so sad that I don't have Kelly. But I'm so grateful that she was with me on that island. And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring."

I'm still Breathing & waiting for a sail......