Week +26 : Hurdling...

Hurdles:

Watch this .......
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgmVOuLgFB0

This week presented new hurdles to attempt .... or not. It's more about choosing whether to attempt each, give up, fall over trying or amaze myself by achieving - never the less, life is presenting up more hurdles by the day....

  Sadly, my difficulties with mobility and the dizziness continue &  have meant that I am having to consider my abilities to carry out certain roles that I have commitments to in various areas of my life. This has led to withdrawing from some of this activity whilst attempting to remain focused on the vital aspects of 'my world'.

  Day to day independent existence is becoming more and more challenging with 'simple' tasks now difficult .


From dressing/getting ready for the day, 'planning ahead', motivating myself for the activities ahead - some thoughts of "what's the bloody point" are present this week , much easier to 'give in' and just focus on breathing/existing than chasing these ridiculous goals I have. Everything seems such an effort these days - all the things we take for granted now requiring effort, concentration, focus - all very tiring :( 



 A Social Worker assessment reveals I do not 'score enough' on their assessment to warrant support - I was hoping for some funds to employ someone to accompany me on days out and help me with some of the stuff I find difficult- while I can. 'Great news' though they have referred me to another team - this will take precious time and once the support surfaces will have missed the mark somewhat, and have missed the short window of time where this may have been beneficial - again, it places the organisation, cost and stress on me to organise this myself. I am rapidly losing faith in these 'support services'.

  In all of this - these services, whilst well intentioned, do not fit the immediacy of my situation - to fight for this 'help' just takes too much energy and it's easier to give up and withdraw, which I believe happens all too often.

  No news on the extension for my home this week and another week passes by - my instinct tells me this is going to happen too late for me to have any benefit from it - it's already taken three months and nothing has happened physically as yet. Immediacy is key here - not something I feel is apparent.

  I am just about able to get around the gym still, and try to get there twice a week,  so am taking some of my frustration and stress there - cycling and some upper body training is helpful and a useful distraction for me - although I am very self-conscious about my poor walking around the facility and wonder how much longer I can keep this up. 

 I've some time planned in with a great & close friend later this coming week - someone who 'get's it' - so it will be a time for me to relax and feel accepted/comfortable -and going to the theatre too for some culture / new experience:)

  The abject horror of trying to live with this debilitating illness is proving more difficult than I envisaged, how the other family members 'coped' with this erosion of ones own sense of self is beyond my comprehension - they must have had far more resilience and ability to keep on going than I have,
 

 'How does one live effectively when faced with such a situation?' -

Take one day at a time? accept and let it happen? give in? give up? fight on? do nothing?
 
 I've certainly not found the 'answer' - perhaps its some of all of this or non of it - maybe it's just to keep breathing and showing up every day, give what I can, rest when I need - and keep the faith that I will deal with whatever comes along the way, and that the right help will come when it is supposed to ...... put faith in myself and the universe and everything else will sort itself out.......

  The coming week will be reflective space for me to think about how I adapt/accept my life at this stage and make the necessary adjustments to allow me to function acceptably, for now. 

Wishing everyone a vibrant week .....