Week 8+ : A cruel disease .....

Walk the talk....

It has struck me over the last few days how cruel and unforgiving this disease can be -

Whilst cognitive function, ability to rationally think/process and awareness of self remain seemingly intact my ability to make my legs do what they have been doing for the last 44 years presents a mindful challenge. A phrase that has surfaced a few times this week from different sources.... 'mindful walking' ....
Just imagine having to plan every step and subtle shift of balance - striving to make an effective movement in the chosen direction. Always taken for granted previously - I find my self with a tinge of envy and jealousy as I see people walking, running, moving around  things I used to be able to do, then reflect on myself stumbling around or finding a suitable aid to reassure the distance to be travelled. I now find myself wobbling from A to B, a walking stick hangs suggestively in the corner of the hallway - I haven't given in ....just yet.

I've not found the motivation to get to the gym this week as I am having some pain in my legs and also picked up a bug from my daughter which wiped me out for a couple of days ....although I did manage to get out on my bike for a good few miles to get some fresh air and keep the legs moving .... it was both invigorating and motivating ; a mental note made to 'do more of this!

This week I've had some very kind messages from friends I've not been in touch with for a while - I really appreciated the thoughtfulness and seemed to help shift a bit of a 'down period'. Ups and downs are to be expected I am aware, in a situation of this nature - one's own sense of being and place in he world under threat.

I can't help but think about the difficult time ahead and try my hardest to live in the here and now and enjoy life the positive aspects of life that I am still fairly able to engage with. Every moment of pleasure or fun is tainted with sadness as I wonder if it will be the 'last time' e.g. a day out/ a long drive/ climb the stairs or similar.

Each morning I wake and after a few moments to get my bearings (nothing unusual here) I stand and assess how things are today......almost expecting a tremendous shift in capability/mobility -although I kind of know that THIS illness is one of a more gradual attritional nature - a battle of will's i.e. how hard can I keep pushing without depleting energy I might need for later in the war? "Today I will do my best ..... that is all ..."
   
I am studying a few hours each day - 'existentialism' as part of my degree study, this keeps me engaged and suitably stimulated for now & I hope to be able to carry this on for as long as I am fit enough. I get the feeling I won't make it to the end (Summer 2016)

But, then again, who knows how long I might have.....